The ocean

I'll never fully understand
God's plan for my life,
I'll never understand the pain
Or the tears I have to cry.

I don't know why I am alone,
I don't know why I'm here,
I know there is a purpose,
But im tormented by my tears.

I miss my friends and family,
I miss feeling loved,
I miss the controlled chaos,
That was the depiction of our lives.

I wish I knew the answers,
I wish I could bear the weight,
I know God is shaping me,
But I want to feel an embrace.

I want to know I'm  not doing this
Completely alone,
I want to know I can trust someone,
To hold me
When my body is done.

I want to feel friendship
And the love that it gives,
I want to know I can call on someone
near to where I live,
I want to know I can depend on someone,
To recieve as well as give.

To give an open ear,
and a heart that's willing to listen,
I want to shed my tears,
Or sit in silence with them.

I miss the simplicity of friendship,
And how it came so easy back home.
I miss how people loved me so instantly,
While here I struggle to find one.

I struggle to find one person
In whom I can completely rely,
I struggle to find someone
Who can put selfishness aside.

Maybe it's just the holidays,
That make me feel so empty,
Maybe it's going from knowing everyone,
To not truly knowing any.

Maybe is the knowledge,
That I'm not who I thought,
Maybe it's the stripping
God is doing in my heart.

I know I need to turn to Him,
And let Him break me down,
But sometimes in the breaking,
We can't lift ourselves off the ground.

My heart is feeble and failing,
But I know my God is more,
My life is being cleansed,
Like waves breaking on the shore.
Pulling away the dirt,
One layer at a time,
But with each pull of the water,
I feel a part of me has died.

Faith

I believe that many people struggle, when faced with challenges, to understand how great and how strong our God truly is. I know this is something I have had difficulty with, but am finally coming to a place in my life where I see Him in every moment. And, if I dont, then I remind myself to.

I have began to notice that it is so easy to have faith in situations that other people are going through, and to be able to speak life into them, when they are filled with doubt or fear, but that it isn't so easy to do for ourselves.

Sometimes God will remove things in our life in order to teach us things, give us wisdom, or help us to grow. What I have learned so far, through being away from the familiar, is that God is so much stronger than I had ever TRULY grasped, and He is so present in my life, with every breath I take and every word I utter.

I have also realized that, though He sometimes wants us to be "alone" with Him, He will also place specific people in our lives that we can, and will, have fellowship with. As Maya Angelou wrote, " Nobody, but nobody Can make it out here alone."

God allows us to have fellowship so that we can pour love and truth into one another; so that we can build each other up to such a point that this world can never tear us down. It is so important that we recognize these friendships and people in our lives.

I have grown to appreciate more the gift of family, and recognize how much I love each and every one of them. I am my mother's daughter,  and I couldn't be happier about that. We may have some different views, but we have the same tender heart, and i am blessed to have been raised to love the way that she loves. 

But, I am also my father's daughter, and I know how to stand on my own two feet and pick myself up, dust myself off, and focus on what is important in the moment.

God definitely has a way of showing us the things within us that need to change, and the gifts that need to be more developed and strengthened.  He does this, more often than not, through the people He places in our lives, be it family or friends.

Every experience we go through is so important, and must happen, in order to get us to where He has planned for us to go. Some situations are difficult, and some are not. The real truth is, no matter the context of the experience, it is going to be something beautiful, because it will help lead you to the life God has planned for you.

Sometimes this is scary; sometimes we don't want to be open to the life He has planned, because we fear failing. Not only failing ourselves, but failing God. But how wonderful is it when we recognize that God isn't going to let us fail? He wouldn't have designed and set up this path for us, if He wasn't going to give us the strength and wisdom to succeed in it.

So strive for the things that scare you, and reach for the things God has placed on your heart that might not make sense to you, or may be intimidating right now. I promise you, if you dive in and trust, God will not let you down.

Jesus, I trust in You.