The ocean

I'll never fully understand
God's plan for my life,
I'll never understand the pain
Or the tears I have to cry.

I don't know why I am alone,
I don't know why I'm here,
I know there is a purpose,
But im tormented by my tears.

I miss my friends and family,
I miss feeling loved,
I miss the controlled chaos,
That was the depiction of our lives.

I wish I knew the answers,
I wish I could bear the weight,
I know God is shaping me,
But I want to feel an embrace.

I want to know I'm  not doing this
Completely alone,
I want to know I can trust someone,
To hold me
When my body is done.

I want to feel friendship
And the love that it gives,
I want to know I can call on someone
near to where I live,
I want to know I can depend on someone,
To recieve as well as give.

To give an open ear,
and a heart that's willing to listen,
I want to shed my tears,
Or sit in silence with them.

I miss the simplicity of friendship,
And how it came so easy back home.
I miss how people loved me so instantly,
While here I struggle to find one.

I struggle to find one person
In whom I can completely rely,
I struggle to find someone
Who can put selfishness aside.

Maybe it's just the holidays,
That make me feel so empty,
Maybe it's going from knowing everyone,
To not truly knowing any.

Maybe is the knowledge,
That I'm not who I thought,
Maybe it's the stripping
God is doing in my heart.

I know I need to turn to Him,
And let Him break me down,
But sometimes in the breaking,
We can't lift ourselves off the ground.

My heart is feeble and failing,
But I know my God is more,
My life is being cleansed,
Like waves breaking on the shore.
Pulling away the dirt,
One layer at a time,
But with each pull of the water,
I feel a part of me has died.