I feel as though we live in a world that is afraid to feel; it's as if the idea of feeling has become more terrifying than the idea of feeling nothing at all. We fear being vulnerable and open, we fear sharing our lives, our hearts and our desires, we fear just about everything involved with emotions, but we don't fear the person we will become if we always hold everything inside and don't allow ourselves to feel.
I held things in for a while. I didn't let myself be open with my friends and with my family. I kept everything bottled up and hidden. I thought I was keeping myself safe, but, in reality, I was making myself sick. And landed in the hospital shortly after because my digestive system pretty much completely shut down.
I've always been a lover. A lover of words, a lover of people, a lover of animals, a lover of sports, a lover of life. Heck, I even love school sometimes. But once my heart was damaged enough, I felt as thought it would be better to not love at all, and so I ran. I ran, and I kept everything bottled up inside. I removed myself from the people who loved me the most, and those I couldn't help but love back. I became a shell of myself. But God is so much stronger, and has so much more planned. He put me in the path of people He knew I would love and care for instantly. Because, no matter how much I wanted to run, He knew I couldn't run from the person He designed me to be.
My heart is too big for my chest, and I just want to share it with people. I take after my mom in that way. The problem with that, though, is that people don't understand it.
I'm not sitting here praising myself. I'm not saying I'm some great person, because I'm not. I'm saying God gave me this dang heart that wants to do nothing more than love everyone, help everyone, and do right by everyone, and I don't know how to do that without getting hurt. It's like I leave little pieces of myself behind, everywhere I go, in hopes that it'll make a difference to someone, somewhere. All too often, though, it seems my heart is thrown back in my face, or directly to the ground. Sometimes this is done by the last person to expect to ever do it. And sometimes the ones you expect to do it, are the ones that don't.
I don't understand a lot of things in this life. I don't know why I'm nearly incapable of being angry, and instead just get hurt, I don't know why I love people from the very moment I meet them, and I don't know how to get others to be more open to love and vulnerability. What I do know, however, is that, even though it has caused me a lot of pain, being open and vulnerable has also been the thing that has brought me the most joy, as well. It has also been the tool in which I have been able to heal from heartache quicker than I thought possible.
This one may take a little more time than normal, because I didn't expect it or see it coming, and that's okay, I suppose . In time, I'll understand the reason behind it, and in time my heart will heal. In the meantime, I guess I'll just press on and continue loving people, regardless of what it brings to my life, and one day, maybe that will make a difference to someone, somewhere.
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