Peace. It doesn't come easy sometimes. For the most part I have always tried to maintain a positive attitude and accept whatever comes in life. This last month I have realized that I am struggling with handing over control to the God who loves me so very much. Why is that, though? I look back at old writings and old posts, that I did nearly daily, and I know that something has shifted. This morning I realized what that is. I've been spending so much time in prayer these last several weeks, trying to rebuild the relationship with God that I have had before and I crave. I went to the chapel yesterday and I prayed. I prayed and I cried, and I didn't know why I was crying. I wasn't sad, I just felt overcome with peace for a moment, and I cried. I left the chapel and I went to confession, and just took a few minutes to thank God for everything I have been blessed with, which is so very much.
What I realized is this: I am a mother now, and that is what has changed. I feel this overpowering need to be in control and to take care of, not only Emma, but everyone. The maternal side of me wants to help everyone, do everything, love everyone, and make sure everyone knows they are loved and cared for. It's exhausting, and I'm wearing myself out. I have always been told I was a natural born leader, but I've never actually wanted to lead in many aspects. Now, though, I want to be "in control" and to lead, but it is in things that I have no power over, such as Emma's time without me.
Why do I need to take control, though, when God is trying to show me daily just how much He is in control? Do you ever feel like you're saying "Okay, God, you can take the wheel, but I'm just going to open Google Maps in my phone, just in case." Emma is the greatest blessing in my life, and she came forth from one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and something that brought me the most pain my heart could have endured. It made me strong, but it also made me intensely fragile. Have you ever felt this way? As though you are stronger than you've ever been, you know yourself more than you ever have, but you are also your most tender and fragile yet?
What that experience taught me is that my job, simply put, is to love people and to be kind and honest. I was lied to and deceived for SO long and I never knew it. I was married to a complete stranger. So now my heart is so much stronger, but also very open and very exposed. The friendships I have, though, have been able to grow so much stronger because of this, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I'm learning to navigate it, though, and I'm learning to give God control of everything that I can't control (which, in life, is essentially everything except myself, and sometimes that is even a struggle). Emma will always be cared for, and God will always protect her, in whatever way that means. My friends, near and far will always know that they are loved and cherished and that they can always lean on me, call me, and depend on me to be there. Sometimes I believe God wants me to simply let Him be here for me. That is what I felt in my heart in the chapel yesterday. "Let me take care of you. Let me be here for you." My 4 best friends all moved out of state in the last 1.5 years and it has been rough. I miss them, and they're people I can talk to about everything and even when they do visit, there isn’t enough time. This is the season of my life I am going through. Resetting, restarting, and rediscovering the beauty of being "alone" but surrounded by love and family.
Life is a journey, and the hardest things we go through can shape us into the strongest people, if we learn to weed out the negative impact they have had. For me that is trust and handing over control. I still care deeply for everyone, but I do so with so much fear in my heart because trusting is hard now. I have always believed in the goodness of people, though, and so now I am going to hand God the reigns, as He has wanted me to do for some time, and trust that He is taking care of me, of Emma, and of those around me that I love and hold dear. It isn't my job to take care of everyone, but it is simply my job to be kind, to be loving, understanding, patient, and gentle. Those are the things I can control.
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