49 hours

        Yesterday was the first entire day I have had to go without seeing you. You've done overnight before, but I haven't woken up without seeing you that day by evening time. To say my heart struggled is an understatement. I didn't sleep, I laid in our bed and I didn't sleep once. I had plans with friends for months, thinking I would need to get away, and I canceled them, probably more because I didn't want to be too far from where you are than any other reason I came up with. I bought you things to come home to, and I will probably get you a few more things today. These weekends away will get expensive. I am going to go running later, and try and let go of my own fears when you aren't near me, and also remember that I have to take care of me, as well.
        It's amazing, though, how much a little person can become such an anchor for your heart. Before Emma, my focus was my work caring for kids, personal training and taking care of clients, being there for Matty and caring for him while I was in Louisiana for that year, and then helping with my niece and nephew once I moved home. My secondary focus was always my health and fitness, but ever since I was 12 and started babysitting, I have always been in jobs where I help others, or jobs where my sole purpose is to care for children. It became a theme before becoming a mom, and having a daughter of my own magnified that responsibility beyond comprehension. I become a headcase when she isn't with me because I still don't quite know what to do with myself and I just break down inside. I know I have to find things to do, and I have so many people that ask me to come hang out, visit them, go out with them, but I rarely say "yes." I suppose I feel guilty. Mom guilt is such a real thing. I feel as though I should be caring for Emma, or I should keep myself readily available, should something happen and she have to come home. I have to learn how to cope without her.
        It's funny, actually, before Emma, I used to tell my friend Heather that I was a relatively emotionally detached person. I loved people, but I was fine without them in my life. I laugh about this now, because she always knew that it was just a wall I had built around my heart because of the past, and that once it fell, I'd see how wrong I was. Having Emma made it melt away like ice by a fire. Now my desire and need to be maternal and care for people exceeds almost every other instinct or rationale. It's just who I am, but in hindsight, I realize that it is who I've always been. I just love to care for people and to love them. A constant bleeding heart. It makes motherhood, when I have to be away from Emma 20% of the time, both beautiful, and difficult.
        Eleven more hours until she is home, and it can't get here soon enough. At the end of the day, though, as much of a mess I may be inside when she isn't with me, I know that it will get easier and I will learn to find my emotional balance on those days. I'll begin to use them to work on my creative writing, not just blogging, and running again.  I'm eternally grateful for my friends who listen to me on the phone, for my family who I am with daily and miss her as much as I do, and just for the beautiful people in my life.